


Fake Fake Boyfriends

by hollybibble



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 10:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19105573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollybibble/pseuds/hollybibble
Summary: David feels like he’s in Act I of one of his favorite rom coms when he and Patrick are together. Just as he’s beginning to think he has a chance, Patrick tells him that he needs a fake boyfriend to show Rachel once and for all that they are through. David knows how this turns out in the movies and is thrilled...until he learns that Patrick has someone other than David in mind to play the role. And it's Ted.Trigger warning: Patrick wears a green shirt.This diverges from canon after the Friends and Family episode (3.12).





	Fake Fake Boyfriends

**Author's Note:**

> I love everyone's fake dating stories so I had to try one with my own twist. I hope you enjoy! This is also my second fic in a row heavily influenced by this David-Patrick "Anatomy of a Rom Com" clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84YyzSh3wIo

It feels like a dance, the way he and Patrick move together in the store. Patrick touches his shoulder to guide him into a half turn and squeezes past to the back room; David stands on the stepstool while Patrick rhythmically hands him bottles of lotion to slap on the top shelf. It makes everything they do feel deliciously intimate, even if they are just business partners. 

David’s sweet spot is romantic comedies of the early 2000s, from a time in his life where he was beginning to wonder when all the interesting and sometimes devastating sex he was having with a lot of interesting and sometimes devastating people was ever going to turn into what he saw on the big screen: someone running in the rain or dashing to the airport with an urgent need to choose him above all others. Back then, he was still convinced this would eventually happen if he just kept saying yes enough to anyone who asked.

His favorite rom coms are the ones about the magazine editors/PR managers with great clothes and no time for love. He loves how their tough exteriors finally crack with a little pressure from the right person. He’s not immune, though, to a good Jane Austen adaptation, with Gwyneth Paltrow at a ball, smoldering while she barely touches hands with a suitor. That was him and Patrick, doing a delicate minuet around the store while trying to read each other’s minds. Or more accurately David watched Patrick twirl a dust mop on the hardwood while wondering if there was any chance, any chance at all.

They’d been open a week now, and each day felt full of promise. Even though he complained about the early mornings, David secretly relished the walk to work, waiting for the moment when the handsome black-and-gold Rose Apothecary sign first became visible in the distance. The best moment of every day was the few seconds he allowed himself to pause in front to admire his store—the tall, sparkling windows, the ladder shelf of succulents—and to know that momentarily he would walk in to a warm smile from Patrick. 

Patrick will have a silver insulated mug of coffee waiting for him, since he is thoughtful and practical, and is encouraging them to spend less money at the cafe. Then they will have their little morning check-in about what needs cleaning (Patrick); what is selling and what isn’t (David); which invoices are outstanding (Patrick); and what they should have for lunch (David). It’s totally enchanting and already feels like a familiarly ingrained routine.

Today, Patrick is checking off their to-do list while sipping Earl Grey out of a Blue Jays travel mug. He looks more awake and cheerful than he has any right to be this early. “The sidewalk out front needs sweeping. And we’re almost out of body milk. Do you know when the new order is coming in?”

“I’m sorry,” quipped David, “Are you saying that the body milk is our runaway best seller, and that you can’t believe my foresight in stocking it?”

“I’m not convinced that people aren’t secretly drinking it. Maybe we should keep a few jars chilled next to the juices. By the way, the electrician is finally coming today. I tried my best with those lights, but they still flicker, and I don’t want this place to burn down just when we’re getting to the good part.”

David felt his face get hot at the reminder of those lights. Those fucking lights that starting flickering while he and Patrick were hugging...no, embracing...after the store opening. David still thought about that moment a lot, the way Patrick smelled like clean laundry and the store’s cedarwood cologne, and how strong his arms felt. The way that when David rubbed his back, he had tightened his hold and leaned in a little closer. How David had been dangerously close to kissing him when they were startled back to reality by the lights. Now, every time Patrick touched his arm or patted him on the back—and he did do that a lot, didn’t he?—David wondered if maybe they were going to fall into each other’s arms again.

“David, you still with me?” Patrick was good at keeping them on task, but even he looked a little distracted this morning.

“Yes. Sweep, body milk, electrician. Brenda is delivering a new shipment tomorrow. She’s going to bring a new travel size option that we discussed.”

“That’s a great idea!” Patrick had this look of fond pride that he reserved for when David had a good business idea. It made David want to lay a case of body milk at Patrick’s feet, like a cat with a dead mouse. David was familiar with looks of lust, curiosity, and even occasional affection, but no one had ever looked at him with this kind of tender admiration, and it’s surprisingly sexy. He indulged himself in a rare moment of letting himself be looked at without starting to fiddle with his sweater cuff or make a sarcastic remark. It turned into a silly staredown, where Patrick raised his eyebrows to say, what?, and David gave him a crooked smirk to say, I don’t know, you tell me.

Finally Patrick broke away. “Um, David?” His voice was hesitant now. “I need to talk to you about something. Could we have dinner tonight, after work?”

“Sure, I’ll try to clear my schedule. At which of our fine establishments did you make a reservation?” David’s heart was thumping so loudly that he was surprised Patrick couldn’t hear it. 

“6 o’clock at the cafe. It’s meatloaf night.” And he winked before heading to the storage room for a broom.

If you asked David, he would tell you that romantic movies are just a guilty pleasure, something that helps him relax. He would say that nothing like that ever happens in real life, and he realized that a long time ago. Which is why David is grateful when Patrick doesn’t turn around to see the unmistakable hope in his eyes.

** 

After the closing rituals, they head over to the cafe. David guides them to the farthest booth from the door. His parents eat later, but if they come in while he and Patrick are here, with any luck they won’t come over and disturb their glorious bubble. He unfolds his giant menu and unenthusiastically looks at the many—too many—choices.

David knows that Patrick will order the meatloaf, with milk to drink, which is adorably wholesome but also completely disgusting. He is nervous, so he only orders a Caesar salad, spaghetti and meatballs, and a glass of house red, no garlic bread. He gave up trying to teach Twyla to make a Negroni a long time ago. 

They stay on vague, noncommittal topics—Ray wants Patrick to join poker night; David thinks Stevie might be seeing someone new— until the food arrives, through David is slowly dying inside as he imagines what Patrick wants to tell him. This is the part where Kate Hudson would spill her red wine on the guy’s white shirt, and he would have to immediately take it off to be laundered before the stain set. She would discover that he is secretly built underneath it all, and the unstoppable march to the happy ending would begin. David has no doubt that Patrick looks very good with his shirt off.

After a few half-hearted bits of meatloaf, Patrick put his fork down. “So, David, like I mentioned, I brought you here to talk about something.”

David instinctively teases back, hoping to settle both their nerves. “You know you didn’t have to go all out like this. I would have been fine with some moderately edible food in a brightly lit dining establishment.”

Patrick smiles more with his mouth than with his eyes, which disappoints David more than it should. He twists his napkin in his lap a few times before saying, “Okay, I’m just going to spit this out.”

At this point, David has forgotten how to have a normal face. The more his mind tells him to look natural, the surer he is that he must resemble a frozen cadaver. It was like when he was a kid and his dad used to joke, “Whatever you do, don’t think of elephants!”, sending him into an anxious spiral of elephant obsession.

Patrick continued. “The last few weeks have been amazing, and now that the store is open, it’s more than I even imagined. We’ve really created something special together.”

David felt that little bubble of hope threatening to rise up again. Funny how it lived so near the surface these days.

“And now that it’s so real, and I realize how much we have at stake, I need to come clean about a few things. I moved here for a lot of reasons, but mostly to get away from a bad relationship.” Patrick’s always earnest face was even more naked with emotion than usual. “I was engaged to my high school girlfriend, and we just got stuck. I didn’t want to move forward, but I couldn’t get myself out of that situation without blowing up my life and starting over somewhere new. Which luckily for me was here.”

“Um, okay.” This was not what David expected. Patrick gave him the impression of such openness and honesty, the opposite of his own dark corners and repressed memories, that it was a genuine shock to hear that he had a small skeleton in his past. 

“I’m telling you all this now because Rachel wants us to get back together. She’s calling and texting and says that she’s coming here this weekend to talk. I’ve always let her convince me to get back together, but this time I have a plan to show her that things are different. It might sound a little crazy at first, though.”

David felt familiar pieces coming together to form a narrative. A bitchy ex, maybe a cross between superficial Patrick Dempsey in Sweet Home Alabama and the dad’s selfish new girlfriend in The Parent Trap. And teaming up with Patrick to implement a crazy plan sounded like heaven. He hoped it involved some character work, maybe a Southern accent.

“I think the only way to really get her to understand that it’s really over this time is for me to show her that I’m with someone else. And it won’t be enough if I have a new girlfriend, because she’s managed to undo that before.” Patrick hesitated before looking David in the eyes. “I need to convince her that I have a new boyfriend.”

David almost fell out of the fucking booth. This was literally a dream come true. Patrick needed him to be his fake boyfriend, hopefully one from Georgia named Beauregard. Or maybe just as himself. Everyone knew what happened when two people pretended to be in a relationship. It was rom com law—they were required to fall in love for real. The Proposal, The Wedding Date, Leap Year, She’s All That—he could literally give a TED talk on this subject.

He tilted his head to the side and tried to give Patrick a questioning, curious look, though. Best not to be too eager.

“So that’s why I’ve asked Ted to pretend to be my boyfriend when Rachel comes to visit.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

**

“I mean, what the actual fuck, David?” said Alexis. “I always thought Patrick was such a sweet little button but now he’s got his claws in Ted? The poor thing thought he was doing Patrick a favor—he has no idea that when you ask someone to be your fake boyfriend, you are basically asking them to marry you. Like I told Gigi Hadid in Marrakech, I’m not falling for that a third time!”

Alexis had been nervously fluttering around the store all afternoon. 

“Isn’t Patrick, like, supposed to be into you?” she continued. “You guys always had such a flirty co-worker vibe. I guess it makes sense that he was practicing his new gay skills on you, so he could work up to Ted.”

“Alexis, why don’t you eat a lip balm. Or better than that, go to your actual job.”

Alexis ignored him. Ever since she started working in the vet’s office, David had suspected that she had fallen for Ted again. He would almost feel sorry for her if he wasn’t using every bit of his energy to remain upright and speak in complete sentences.

Of course Patrick had asked Ted. Patrick was a sensible, hockey-loving, milk-drinking person who remembered how people liked their coffee. He understood taxes and sales forecasts and knew how to make small talk with tedious customers. And Ted was normal. Kind of corny but reliable and kind. Why would he want someone as prickly, as particular, as ridiculous as David? And that was just the surface. If Patrick ever sensed his bottomless need for affection, his empty ache at the thought of never being someone’s first choice, well, then, he might as well curl up and die right there.

Alexis was staring out the window, fidgeting with her hair.

“You know he’s not really into Ted, right?” said David, mostly for himself. “He’s just pretending to get his ex-girlfriend to leave him alone? And he needed someone nice and, well, handsome, just like he is, to make it believable? And that he would never be into me?”

“Whatever, David. I don’t make the rules of love. All I’m saying is that powerful forces have been set in motion.” She started bouncing up and down with excitement. “Oh, David, I see them coming! Hmm, she’s really cute in a kind of an understated Isla Fisher way. I guess Patrick has good taste.”

Patrick entered the store with a tiny red-headed woman who barely came past his shoulder. She paused to look around the store admiringly.

“Wow, Patrick, this is really nice. This is really your place?”

“Mine and David’s. This is my business partner David Rose. The brains and style behind Rose Apothecary.” He gave David a little wink, which wasn’t at all fair.

“I should have known that part wasn’t you. Unless you’ve had yet another dramatic transformation.” She sounded unmistakably bitter. 

Alexis stepped forward and presented her hand to be shaken, or kissed, or something. “And I am Alexis Rose, David’s liaison to the influencer community and sister. Where’s Ted?”

“He’s meeting us here,” said Patrick. “For some reason he needed to find someone to cover the reception desk at his office.” He looked at Alexis meaningfully, but she was still eyeing Rachel.

The four of them stood in awkward silence. David didn’t trust himself to make any kind of neutral remarks. If he opened his mouth to say, “How was your drive?” or “Would you like to sample some hand cream?” it would surely come out as “Why the fuck did you pick Ted?”

Plus, he was too busy observing this new version of Patrick standing next to Rachel. For starters he was wearing green. A green polo shirt that David had never seen before along with one of his standard pairs of jeans. It was unsettling. Patrick and Rachel stood close to each other but didn’t look at each other. He looked unfamiliar, without his usual confident stance and warm, open smile. He was slumped and staring at the ground, and the green gave his skin a queasy cast. He had never looked worse, and David had never wanted to touch him more. 

Finally, Alexis broke the silence. “So, this must be super strange for you, to be meeting your ex-fiancé’s new boyfriend. What has Patrick told you about Ted?” David caught her quick glare at Patrick.

“Not that much,” said Rachel. “Just that he’s a veterinarian, and apparently he swept Patrick off his feet.” She looked at Patrick for confirmation, but he was staring at his feet with the same pained expression he got when David’s mother stuck a few bottles of eye serum in her purse. David actually felt sorry for him.

“Ted’s a real charmer,” David managed to say. “He was after Patrick from day one. Showing up at the store three times a day to buy one lip balm or a pack of gum.” Patrick looked up at him gratefully. He heard Alexis give a little “humph” but ignored her.

Finally, Ted burst through the door. He was still wearing his scrubs, which David had to admit was a good look for him, showing off his excellent arms. He was carrying a big bouquet of red carnations and baby’s breath, which set David’s teeth on edge, but most people would probably see as a nice gesture. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Ted panted. “These are for you, big guy!” He handed Patrick the flowers and grabbed his face with both hands, planting a big, loud kiss on Patrick’s lips.

“Oh my f…” Alexis started. David elbowed her in the ribs, but it was his sentiment exactly. Oh my fucking god.

David kept sneaking glances at Rachel, who was looking at Patrick like she might cry. “Hi Ted, I’m Rachel. I’m the evil ex-fiancée who drove all the way here to check out Patrick’s new guy!” She tried to laugh but it sounded hollow.

Ted gave Rachel a warm hug. “So glad you could come!” He was completely incapable of insincerity, even when he was being a fake boyfriend. He was truly nice. Like Patrick was nice. Like David was not nice.

Ted grabbed Patrick’s hand. “Should we head over to the cafe and get some coffee, and let you two catch up?”

“God, Patrick, you even drink coffee now?” asked Rachel, her voice cracking. David almost felt sorry for her, but the whole situation was too absurd. Here was Patrick, wearing green, holding hands with Ted like two kindergarteners on a field trip, his other arm full of red carnations as if he’d just won the Mr. Schitt’s Creek pageant, and she was freaked out that he might drink coffee? Wait, there wasn’t a Mr. Schitt’s Creek pageant, was there?

David thought he caught a glimpse of panic in Patrick’s face and decided he had to step in. He wasn’t the star of this rom com, but he knew how to move the plot forward. It was a more challenging part than Beauregard the Fake Boyfriend, but David the Supportive Platonic Business Partner was apparently the role he was born to play.

“Give me those lovely flowers, Patrick, and I’ll put them in some water. Ted, you know how much Patrick loves coffee but this late in the day he should probably stick to tea. Why don’t the three of you…” he glared at Alexis who was grabbing her purse, “go to the cafe and stay as long as you like. Alexis can help me close up.”

“Nice to meet you, David,” said Rachel, but she wasn’t looking at him. She was looking at Patrick, who was brushing some dog hair or something disgusting off Ted’s shirt. Ted took his hand and gave it a little kiss, and Patrick performed a disturbingly authentic blush. David could tell it was starting to work on Rachel, and her initial shock was becoming a grudging acceptance.

You never really hear about what happens to the bitchy ex-girlfriend in a rom com. He had always assumed that she stomped around and yelled at people until another guy came along, and she got her own version of a happy ending. But in real life, sometimes all she got was a long, lonely drive home. 

Alexis stood with David as they watched the three of them leave.

“Well, that was a total disaster,” she said.

**

Alexis wasn’t any help, but at least she was company, and he could be sure that she wasn’t over at the cafe trying to eavesdrop. She left after the store closed to walk back to the motel and meet their parents for dinner, but David still wanted to be alone. He sat on the counter in the dimly lit store, thinking. In My Best Friend’s Wedding, Julia Roberts’ happy ending wasn’t getting the guy, but being rescued by her gay best friend. Maybe this was David’s happy ending, to sit alone in the quiet with his beautiful store. He had actually built something, putting the best parts of himself on display for the town to share. It felt a little bit like love. But it wasn’t enough.

He was startled by a knock on the door. Fortunately, that green shirt was visible even in the dark. He unlocked the door.

“Hey,” said Patrick. “I was hoping you’d still be here. I forgot my key. It’s been a really strange day.”

He looked less pasty and less slumped, but still without his familiar swagger.

“Where’s Rachel? And Ted?” asked David.

“Rachel decided to head back early. She’s going to spend the night with her cousin in Elm Valley. And Ted went back to his office to deal with a few crises that popped up due to low staffing. I know I make fun of you, but I’m lucky I ended up with the Rose sibling with the superior work ethic.”

David wasn’t quite able to slip into their easy banter. “So it worked,” he said quietly. A statement, not a question.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think it did. Before she left, Rachel told me that she thought Ted and I made a good couple. She said we were a lot alike.”

David suddenly felt exhausted. He slid down to the floor, his back against the counter. Patrick rushed over and kneeled next to him.

“David, are you okay?” His voice was soft with concern.

“Sure, Patrick. Doing fine. Long day. I’ll probably head home.” But he couldn’t move.

“Maybe I could open up one of our fine wines, and we could hang out for a little bit?” asked Patrick.

David couldn’t bear to look at him. If the store had to be his happy ending, then he didn’t want to see any flashes of tenderness from Patrick. He almost wished he was with Rachel in her car right now, eating Red Vines and listening to Taylor Swift together while tears silently streamed down their faces.

“I need to go, I told Alexis I’d…” David vaguely trailed off.

“Oh. Okay,” said Patrick softly. He stood up and headed to the door. “Good night, David. Can we talk tomorrow?”

“Sure,” said David. Patrick had probably forgotten that tomorrow was Sunday and they were closed. “Good night, Patrick.”

 

**

David lay in bed the next morning and tried to sleep until Alexis’s fluttering around the room got too annoying.

“David, do you know what Ted and Patrick are doing today? I was hoping Ted could drive me to Elmdale, but Patrick probably has them signed up for a couples’ massage or something, poor thing.” 

“Go stick your finger in a socket, Alexis,” snapped David automatically, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“Someone should have told Twyla that Ted and Patrick are together now. She was so surprised when she saw them holding hands yesterday at the cafe. I think maybe she thought you and Patrick were together? She told me she kept worrying you were going to come in and cause a scene, just like when her cousin’s girlfriend’s mom found out that her husband had another wife in prison.”

“It’s absolutely nothing like that. Could you either leave me alone or go get me a couple cinnamon rolls?”

There was a knock at the door. It must be Stevie, come to tease the hell out of him about losing Patrick to Ted. Apparently, that was the story the whole town was going with.

Alexis opened the door. It was Patrick, dressed appropriately again in a blue sweater and holding a tasteful bouquet of white flowers. It was all of David’s favorites: hydrangea, ranunculus, spray roses—all very correct.

“Hello, Patrick,” said Alexis coldly. “More flowers from Ted? He really spoils you.”

“No, these are for David. From me.” Patrick looked over at him, and David sat up quickly in bed, wishing he was wearing something other than drop-crotch sweatpants and a t-shirt. He didn’t even want to think about his hair. “I just saw Ted’s car in front of the cafe, though.”

“I shall go there as well, because I have very important business to discuss with him. By the way, Rachel is an adorable Ginger Spice pixie and is probably too good for you,” said Alexis as she grabbed her purse and scooted around Patrick out the door, giving him one last glare on the way out.

“Wow, she really hates me now,” said Patrick. He stood hesitantly in the doorway, holding the beautiful flowers. “And I’m worried you do, too. Can I come in?”

David nodded and gestured to Alexis’s bed. Patrick sat down, setting the flowers next to him. David turned to face him. Up close David could see dark circles under his eyes and freshly bitten fingernails. He burned with tenderness despite himself. David wondered if Patrick knew why he was upset. Were these thank you flowers for helping with that preposterous scene in the store yesterday? Or apology flowers for leading him on for the weeks beforehand?

They sat for a moment facing each other across the gulf of the twin beds. David wasn’t used to being the silent one. Finally, Patrick burst out with, “David, I’m so sorry about yesterday. I’m embarrassed thinking about it. I put you, and Ted, and everyone in an uncomfortable position because I didn’t trust myself to be direct with Rachel.” He looked at David pleadingly.

Despite everything, David couldn’t bear to see Patrick so needy and ashamed. 

“Does this mean that you’re not here to tell me that you are Ted accidentally fell in love yesterday, and you want the Rose Apothecary to do the wedding favors?” he said drily.

Patrick looked surprised and grateful at this crumb of friendliness. “Uh, no, so if you could get that message to Alexis, I would appreciate it. She’s kind of scary when she’s angry. But it’s you I really need to apologize to. For starters, it looked to you like I was pretending to be gay to get out of an awkward situation, which is a really jerk move, and offensive to the whole queer community.”

Oh. That was unexpected. As usual, David had been too wrapped up in his own hurt feelings to think of the bigger picture. And of course, thoughtful Patrick had.

“Well, Patrick, you bring up a very good point.” David tried to use his most serious voice. “While I’ve never been much a joiner, I’ve always been extremely honest about who I am.”

“I know, and I admire that so much about you. You’re the most honest person I’ve ever met.” He was giving David that fond, proud look again, like when David had that idea to stock gourmet dog treats. “This next part is hard. Can I sit next to you?”

David nodded. His bed was unmade, and Patrick sat very close to him to avoid the pillows and bunched up blanket. His thigh grazed David’s. David thought of offering to move the pillows but stayed quiet. It was easier this way, not staring each other down.

Patrick took a deep breath. “David, I’ve changed a lot since I moved here. Since I met you.” His voice was shaky. “Back home I used to always feel like I was watching everything through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, like I was miles away even when I was right there. I felt stuck, and I didn’t know how to change. I was like Sandy Bullock at the beginning of While You Were Sleeping.”

“We’re not doing Sandy. You haven’t earned the right.”

Patrick knocked his thigh into David’s, a familiar touch to acknowledge the teasing. The familiarity of it brought back their happy weeks together, the closeness that it turns out David had just imagined.

“I would never disrespect Sandra Bullock.” Patrick paused to give David one of his patented, earnest looks. “Since I moved here, I’ve been...questioning a lot of things about myself. About why I let myself be so weak with Rachel. About why I never thought too hard about what I really wanted. Because it was too scary to think that I wanted something different than everyone expected of me. You’re so fearless, David, that it might be hard for you to understand.”

David shook his head. Patrick’s truthfulness always had a strange effect on him and made him spill his secrets, too. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m scared of a lot of things. Though most of them are parts of myself.”

“You helped me yesterday, David. I know you hated the whole situation, but you still helped me. You’re a good person. You’re the best person I know.”

David felt his heart crack open at those words. He had no defenses left. If Patrick was going to kill him with kindness and honesty, he might as well die knowing the answer.

“But why did you pick Ted?” David was mortified to hear himself pleading. “Why him? Why not me?” He stared at his socked feet, unable to look at Patrick. Moments of unbearable silence ticked by. Finally, David looked up to see Patrick beaming at him with warmth and tenderness.

“Oh, David,” said Patrick, “Can’t you tell? That’s what I’m trying to say. I would never ask you to be my fake boyfriend. I didn’t want to get what I feel for you involved in that whole messy scene yesterday.” Patrick paused. “When I ask you to be with me it’s going to be for real.”

David suddenly felt very unsteady. “Are you...asking me?” he croaked.

Patrick took David’s hand, the one with the rings, in both of his hands. “Ever since you walked in the door at Ray’s, I knew I needed you in my life. All the things I’d never understood about myself before started to make sense. When I’m with you, I feel like the person I’m supposed to be.”

“Okay, well, that’s a lot about you.”

Patrick smiled while he played with David’s rings. “Yes, and then I met this gorgeous, intense, intelligent, funny guy who makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode. With him, every day is fun and a little bit magical. And I don’t know if he knows how I feel about him.”

“So you decided to emulate your good friend Sandy Bullock in The Proposal and get a convenient fake boyfriend.”

“Right, but now what I’m actually looking for is a fake fake boyfriend.”

He and Patrick grinned at each other stupidly. “I might be open to filling that role. It would be a big stretch, but I did come in second at the middle school talent show with my dance routine to ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You,’ so I could probably pull it off.”

“You do understand that the whole fake boyfriend thing is playing with fire and impossible to pull off without developing real feelings?”

“Again, I think you underestimate my skills.”

“Oh, David,” Patrick sighed, putting an arm around his shoulders and giving him a heavenly nuzzle. “So, what are the ground rules on fake fake kissing?”

“Normally I would say only in public when others are looking, but we probably have to practice for authenticity.”

David turned to Patrick. He had never felt so shy before a first kiss, but he wanted to take his time and remember every moment. He took Patrick’s hand and held it to his own cheek and took an extra beat to linger in Patrick’s happy, amazed gaze. Finally, when he couldn’t stand it anymore, David leaned in for Patrick’s soft mouth, sweet and slow.

It took Patrick a few seconds to catch his breath after. “Wow,” he finally said, shaking his head.

“I warned you,” said David.

“You and half the romantic comedies out there. But I had to play with fire.” Patrick’s face was inches away, and David felt a little drunk off the closeness.

“What about Ted?” whispered David.

“Mmm, I think he’ll be okay. Ted is a great guy, but let’s just say I wasn’t 'feline' that kind of connection with him.”

David imagined how many animal puns Ted must have made during coffee with Rachel while Patrick tried to look charmed. Maybe they weren’t such a perfect match after all.

Patrick leaned in to kiss him again. “Come here, big guy…”

David giggled and pushed him away. “Incorrect! Incorrect!”

Patrick kissed him anyway.

A handsome man had shown up with flowers to ask David to be his boyfriend. That was his happy ending, right? But it was so much more. With Patrick, it felt like the beginning. Instead of the credits starting to roll over them kissing in the motel, David saw their future. He saw the conventional cinematic montages of them laughing at the cafe, holding hands on a summer picnic, trying on multiple outfits. But he also saw them cooking spaghetti; watching a baseball game on tv while David dozed off; helping Alexis with a school assignment; arguing over where to display a new product in the store. Him and his fake fake boyfriend, building their real life together.


End file.
